Curb Your USA, Tully Tuesdays Volume 20

Welcome back after a vacation hiatus to Tully Tuesdays. I spent last week on a family vacation down in beautiful Bethany Beach, Delaware, so I apologize if I’m not speaking as smoothly as I used to.

The Fourth of July is on the Mount Rushmore of Holidays for me. I love the traditions, the music, the Hot Dogs, and for my family I really love getting together with my extended family and enjoying that company.

While Patriotism is high throughout July, I wanted to take a moment for my own Larry David analysis of America and share the 10 things that annoy me about today’s America.

Number 10. American Soccer

This could be higher on the list but I just have never cared about American Soccer. Shoutout to the Ladies, you’re great and do a fantastic job representing the Greatest Sporting Country in the World. Mia Hamm was an icon in my house growing up and her impact along with her teammates has bloomed into a great future for Women’s Soccer in America.

My Beef is with Men’s Soccer. I’m sure you snored through the USMNT 1-0 loss against Uruguay last week. I watched. Every 3 minutes someone was on the ground injured or tired or whatever soccer guys do on the ground. I don’t care, I can’t care about this. The US plays in the Copa America tournament as a way to beat Mexico and say that they are a National Power. That’s like if the Carolina Panthers played Coastal Carolina and Wake Forest in Week 1 and 2 and then claimed a Super Bowl afterwards. It doesn’t work that way. The US falls on their face in big tournaments and despite having superior athletes than the rest of the world they cannot figure it out. There is no excuse given the resources provided to the team that they shouldn’t be a top 15 nation in the World’s Game.

People complain that Soccer doesn’t get enough viewership in America but the reason for that is that the game sucks in America. MLS has done an okay job of getting the scoring up but a terrible job of developing talent to the point where players want to play in the MLS. The best American players play overseas and that delta between the top and the role players is too large for the US to compete in National tournaments like the world cup.

Number 9. Ticket Prices for concerts

I love going to concerts. It’s one of the things that once I got my license, I made sure I was going to see my favorite bands when they were in town, and it made me feel like an adult for the first time. I love live music, and there’s nothing better than shouting out your favorite songs with your friends and a few cold ones.

But the current trend post covid of Concert Tickets costing significantly more than Playoff games is just too much. Zach Bryan played on a Wednesday night and re-sale tickets were upwards of $700 just to get in the door. I wish I went, but I can’t justify that burn to sit in the Gillette Stadium parking lot until 1 am waiting to get out. People are taking loans out to see Taylor Swift across the globe. She’s awesome, the show is awesome, but I wouldn’t pay a month’s rent to go to the NFC Championship.

It’s insane. I’ve seen Zac Brown Band almost 2 dozen times and never paid more than $225 for tickets and I’ve sat in the pit or front row multiple times. That’s not a slight to Zach Bryan, who is probably the hottest thing in Country Music right now, and should get all the money he deserves on tour. But when did we get to this point that everyone is buying and reselling tickets for 3-4x face value? It’s not right and it’s excluding a lot of real fans from getting to see their favorite artists.

Number 8. The Lack of Hot Dog only establishments

This is a personal one, as I have fond memories growing up of going with my Grandfather to his favorite Hot Dog joints. At this stage in my life sometimes you just want a Dog, and god damn is it hard to find one. I love a hot dog on the grill and will make one but I don’t want to commit to an 8 pack of dogs that I will have to eat within 10 days of opening the pack. Why can’t I go to a place that excels in DogCraft and get whatever I want when I want it?

I had my first Portillos experience in South Bend, Indiana last week while in town for a wedding and after visiting Notre Dame, I had my Grandpa on my mind, so my wife and I went to Portillos for a few hot dogs. They were fantastic, Hot Peppers, mustard, poppy seed roll, I couldn’t help but think about the downfall of the American Hot Dog Joint, and I yearn for the day they rise again.

Number 7. Nickelback Slander

None of us have ever made it as a wise man. You know deep down inside of you, that you want to look at this Photograph. You want to think that Someday somehow you’re going to make it alright but not right now. I know that Prison Gates won’t open up for me.

As a nation I think we are moving past this, as Creed and other 2000s bands have gotten some mainstream run. But pop some NKB on the aux at the next function. It gets the people going, and if someone talks some smack then send them Far Away.

Number 6. People caring about an individual sport during the Olympics.

Every group chat is about to go through this one. Your one buddy who still thinks the Patriots can win the AFC East in the next 5 years is going to start spouting out stats about American Swimmers or Long Distance runners like he is the Adam Schefter of the sport. The Olympics are great, USA usually dominates, wins a bunch of golds, and everybody gets to root for the winning team together. But let’s not pretend we know anything about any of these sports other than Basketball and Soccer over the next two months. Don’t be that guy.

Number 5. Long articles.

Number 5 is just a break for you. Do some air squats

Number 4. Feeling pressured to have Doctors having students sit in on Medical Appointments

This is a personal one, and the medical system in America is a fantastic program, with students dedicating themselves to years of studying their craft in order to provide excellent service to American Citizens who come in as their patients.

My only issue is that when you are asked if a student can come sit in on an appointment where you are talking about problems you’ve been having taking a shit, they should at least mention the name of the student in case it’s somebody you went to High School with. Because I’ve heard that can happen. I’ve heard that the doctor can ask you a lot of personal questions about your digestive system and pain you’re having while someone you went to High School with sits there and takes notes about your ass and the issues associated with it. I’ve heard the doctor will then prescribe you anti-depressants when all you need is a better diet and probably a laxative. I’ve heard that’s a terrible way to spend your 23rd birthday. But it’s probably just a rumor.

Number 3. Fast Casual Pick up System.

I’ve fallen victim to this many times, at one point ordering ahead on the app and picking up food was the TSA Precheck of everyday life, skipping the line and going on with your day. Now if you dare to order ahead you are staring into the belly of a very terrifying beast. At Chipotle you get a half order of food if you’re lucky, and if your Chipotle isn’t as ass backwards as the one I frequent, the food has probably been sitting out for a half hour. If your Chipotle is as ass backwards as mine (Beverly, Ma, Step your shit up) you’re waiting a half hour after your pickup time for your food watching folks cycle through the line over and over again getting fresher and faster service than you. NOT TO MENTION if you are there to order your food in line, there should not be a drought of Steak and Chicken in the line, as the premium proteins are now being stashed away to make sure there is enough for the online orders. This is a systematic failure in our once great nation.

Number 2. Old Ass Presidents

I’m not going to get political here, so I will use the following Metaphor. The Dallas Cowboys have an 82 year old running their entire operation. How is it going? NOT GREAT BOB.

This man in particular has been one of the top Entrepeneur in American History and is truly a real success story in our nation. He takes a Helicopter to games because he should not be driving. Some 80 year olds are very competent and alert and I’m glad that my grandmother who is an avid reader of the TT is one of them. Love you grandma. But people over 80 need to sleep, and watch Tennis, to keep their minds and lifestyles sharp. They do not need to be running football teams or holding the most important political position in the world. Both the candidates this year would be better off enjoying their respective retirements with their families. Instead we are getting the wildest reality show of all time. There has been one US President in office who was born after 1946. That’s insane. Jackie Robinson played his first Major league game in 1947. The Flintstones premiered in 1960.

The President should be between 45 and 70 years old, and should be able to complete a physical fitness test of their choice, either running 5 miles, doing 500 pushups in 30 minutes or breaking 80 on the golf course twice in one day.

By the way, speaking of the Reality show, there’s no chance in hell either of those guys play to their “Handicap” you know what a scratch golfer in their 80s looks like? It Looks like this

That’s Golf Legend and Multiple Major Champion Gary Player at 89 years old. He swings the club 90 miles per hour and does 1000 pushups and situps a day. I don’t think either candidate could hit any of those three numbers in a month. I’m sure Joe broke 80 once and Trump probably has won more than his fair share of money matches, but unless you’re going to play each other for the Presidency. Shut up and go sit on the beach. We’d all be better off that way.

Number 1. The Super Bowl should be a National Holiday

This is the easiest fix of all time. Add a game, or a bye week, and you get President’s Day landing on the day after the Super Bowl. The Super Bowl is the only event in America that gets everybody regardless of religion or family ties together to enjoy the Greatest Aspect of America, our national game. You should feel like a piece of shit on Monday after the Super Bowl. You should have 10 beers and three trays of Buffalo Chicken Dip. You should tell your boys your love them and make plans to go see your team lose on the road next fall. If your team is in the Super Bowl and wins, you should have the next day off to bask in the glory and recover. If your team loses you shouldn’t have to go outside for a week. You shouldn’t have to talk to Doug in Accounting about his $10 parlay that hit. You just shouldn’t. This is America.

Sure there are larger issues in America. There are going to be a lot of issues that pop up in the next couple of months and a lot of nasty things that go in leading up to the election. If I can say anything, I’ll say this, we live in the greatest country in the world, full of the best people who care about each other at their core, we have the baddest MFers in our country fighting to protect the freedoms that allow us to be miffed about Concert tickets and fast casual wait times.

That is not something to take for granted and its certainly something to appreciate. I’m proud to be an American, and that’s not going to change regardless of which dinosaur our country elects to nap in the White House come January.

Til Next Week

TT